stars, stares, and stairs in stuttgart

we race up the stairs
sandals clicking on the tile
laughing all the while

you turn around and shush me -
"don't wake up the neighbors!"

i pretend to be silent

and then break into drunken laughter.
a dirty look is lost on a pretty girl

at the top of the stairs
break through your door
grab the wine: lighter: cigarettes.
leave the ice cream in the freezer

i wander amongst artifacts from foreign lands
and wonder who you are

more stairs, this time spiral
round and round to the roof

view the city of my ancestors from my perch
and wonder what they'd say if they could see me now
sitting high in their homeland
red wine in hand and red sunrise in view

we talk about anything to make us laugh
pretend we'll fall in love
stare at the stars, blinking with the city lights
and drink it in

something new and unexpected hovers tentatively
over a city, aged and dingy

the sun rises
and round and round we descend

slip softly into sheets of tan
between strong arms and pressing lust
drifting to sleep in the morning
of a foreign land

stuttgart

i lean on the rail
and take a deep inhale
wondering all the while
how exactly my whole body can smile.
i take a sip of my wine
and into your arms recline.
we look over the horizon
as faintly the skyline is lit by the sun.
this new adventure and foreign place
have led to comfort in a beautiful new face.
i lean into you and you into me
and i savor the joy of being free.
the city is silent: only flashing lights
and birds in their predawn flight.
i close my eyes to make is last
because i've come to know that pleasure is fast.
it's unexpected and surreal
and is gone before you've even had time to feel
exactly how amazing one moment can be.
i hope you know how often i replay that memory.
that quiet moment on top of stuttgart
will always hold a place in my heart.

doubt

you've come back
from a desolate place
to a life too full

you're thrown in the mix
with a vulnerable mind

you want to get married

am i the padding for your raw fears?
am i a quick fix for a pain you can't see?
am i a warm body after too many empty mornings?

i've spent the entire past year carefully dodging commitment
and you call me one night and throw it in my lap

were you too high?
too drunk?
too numb?

i doubt how you feel
i expect it to end one day
like a brick
out of the blue

it will land in my lap

my dichoto my

i feel connected to you
across this sky blue
and when i hear your voice
something tells me it's the right choice
you're just what i need
and we've planted a good seed
but there's the bird inside
who refuses to hide
reminding me that i've come so far
and have you really decided who you are?
it's my age old dichotomy
i find a boy who loves me for me
who loves my heart, my body, my home
but there's a pulling inside to stay on my own
i say i want to be a bird
and fly free around the world
but how can that be
when we decide to make it you and me?
what will happen to that dream?
i'm scared of what seems
to be a future back home
but i realize that i don't want to be alone
why do i feel that i'm sacrificing one life
for the other: to be your wife?
is that how it has to be
in order to have a you and me?

spilling heart

i go out on a friday
to get out, get away
and yet i find
each and every time
the conversation leads
to something i need
deep down, i'm locked up
my heart is held in this cup
filled to the brim
with memories of him
how many letters, memories will
it take to make it spill?
time and again i try
to move on, to hate you, to cry
but it doesnt stop
my heart will always drop
at the mention of anything
that in it holds a ring
of the familiarity of you.
your country, your sport, a blue
that's the same as your eyes.
in it all i can only despise
the attachment i hold
to a flame thats growing old.

love is free

to love you how i wanted -
or what i thought that love should be
i had to let you go.
i didn't understand then
but now i've come to see
that letting you fly
letting you go
would eventually set me free.
through all the pain, the tears, the anger and hurt
that left me blinded for so long
sacrifice has slowly shown through with its usual dignity.
the realization that love has many facets
had never made itself so clear
until i found myself; alone and happy.
in my own life i was content
to picture me without you was ok
and within myself i finally found peace.
i discovered that love is not concrete.
it's not a picture of you and me
and rings and babies.
its beauty in fact cannot be defined.
but you and me; we've come close
and lived the fact that love is indeed, free

his toy

really? how many of you can i date
before the race of man i begin to hate.
the saddest part
is that i waste so much of my heart.
upset you don't call
ready when you do to fall
quickly into something i'm not ready for
my time and money i'll pour
into something fake.
so go ahead, take and take
do it while you can
while i still don't understand
because soon enough you'll reveal
that nothing you say is real.
but one thing's different this time
there are no second chances in this life of mine.
it's my life and i decide who's in it
no more hurt, no more shit.
i'm a good person
i love to have fun
and to be with me
was your best possibility.
so fuck off
get lost
and don't come crawlin back boy
i'm done bein your toy.

memory's tide

you are my ocean
my beautiful mystery
tantalizing
relief from the day
i slip into you
memories rise and fall
pulling me out
worlds away
creeping in without warning
swirling in the pools
of my cluttered heart
you offer calm waves
or crashing anger
my tide controlled
by some unseen force
old memories play
like breaking shores
standing in sand
drinking in spans of blue
constantly searching
for you

Could've

In an instant I saw my life
if I would have been your wife.
A sunlit moment of pure love
as father lifted daughter above.
Young and thing and beaming with joy
was the face of a father yet a boy,
holding tightly the girl of his dreams.
And in a moment to me it seems
that it's you tossing our daughter up high.
In his face I see your smile and wanted to cry -
felt my heart drop and skip,
felt my knees waiver and my strength slip.
"That would've been us" says a voice in my head
"But you're single and living with 2 boys instead."
I look away and turn around quick
but the lump in my throat leaves me feeling sick.
"That would've been us."
"That would've been us."
mocking; ringing in my ears.
Oh no, here come the tears.
I rush to the bathroom and look in the mirror,
but my cloudy eyes see a reflection that is clear.
There is no pity to be found here:
this was your fault, but my choice
"That could've been mine." I tell the voice.

love isn't earned

how can you say
that it's wrong to be gay?
that we cannot accept
those who are different?
i dont understand
the cruelty of man.
our narrow minds
and the excuses we find
to justify
beliefs we live by.

how can you say
that discrimination is ok?
that everyone must be
the same as you and me.
to earn our respect
from the norm you can't defect.
isn't that what love's all about
I want to scream and shout.
all these years you've preached
that with love we must outreach
to all people, all race
it's a sin to discriminate.
but that only applies
to the things seen with our eyes.
different beliefs are a different story
don't you know that lori?

so how can you say
unacceptance is ok?
we've listened and learned
that loved isn't earned.
it's to be shared with all
black, white, short, tall
day in and day out you would preach
that to everyone God's love should reach
but now i'm a grown girl
and am realizing the true world.
this faith i defend
is beginning to bend.
because i thought of you as my structure, my mold
but i'm beginning to see I must take my own road.
for I still believe in God with all my heart
but a from new perspective i must start.
i cannot look to you for answers, but find them on my own.
just another journey i must start alone.

dance

on a march night
abnormally warm
we took a ride
out to the park

sitting in silence
driving my car
you stopped at the gate
and put it in park

we walked through the playground
and out into the woods
moonlight glowing
illuminating the dark

vividly i remember
my vulnerability
being alone with you
and the silent trees, stark

i gazed at the stars
and pretended not to feel
what we both felt
until you asked me to dance

i was twirling alone
like a happy little girl
when you grabbed my hand
and we took our chance

under the new spring's moon
we sparked something new
spinning out of control
we fell in love

my one

the sunny days of early spring
can always be counted on to bring
thoughts of you, and our memories
rush through me with the gentle breeze.
i sit quietly here in the sun
letting the yellow warmth slowly come
in with your face, your hands, your touch
until deeply in inhale; it's just too much.
i know deep inside i had to let you go,
but don't you know?
that ifs will always counter the certainty
of what could have become of you and me.
because baby, don't you see?
you said what we had wasn't reality,
but if that kind of happiness isn't real,
then how the hell is love supposed to feel?
it's not some acceptance moving slowly from day to day
it's an overflowing bliss, a firecracker, a flame
a force existing between two hearts
that cannot be extinguished once it starts.
my heart for you still smolders and burns
and i don't think that i will ever learn
how to move forward and find something new
because my heart still finds you
in every moment of beauty, every sunset,
i wish you were here, and i can't forget.
you come back to me with the warmth of the sun
because you were truly my one.

Where I'm From

I’m from the middle.
Middle America,
Middle class,
Middle mind-sets, leaning back
Some call it a sink-hole, some call it home
Some call it heaven, but I simply call it my own
Tucked away in the back of my mind
Live days filled with friends and sunshine
Every summer hour spent outdoors
Until a thunderstorm blew in and rain poured
Squelching the heavy, humid heat
And bringing a scent of summer, earthy and sweet.
The rolling hills and big oak trees
Dark brown earth holding perfect rows of bright green.
Playing runaways in our woods and Olympic divers in the lake
Away from this place, wonderful memories I take.
The warmth of grandma’s meals around our full table
And the irreplaceable feeling of a family, happy and stable.
Sparkling icy branches and snow covered fields
Called for long days of sleds and snowmobiles.
Steamy summer nights would begin to cool to Autumn harvest
On a jog through chilled air, an earthy smoke would fill your chest.
And as green transitioned to rusty orange, yellow, and red
Days spent outside turned to school instead.
Crisp fall days full of class, tennis, and football
Cheering together for our team, with no clue at all
That another world existed, that wasn’t like this
One where everything wasn’t just this perfect.
My life was a playground; the American dream
And upon my decision, many thought I was crazy to leave.
For where I’m from, our culture is set
If you’re different from us, the city is your best bet.
People just don’t leave here
And any sense of change has a negative leer.
Here, people marry, make babies, and live in cookie-cutter homes
And feel that they have it all, even if it is a clone.
If you think my attitude towards home appears ambiguous, you would be right,
But so it goes as the pattern of my life.

the devil made me do it.

Something pulls me to you
I can feel the paralyzing blues
that hold me to you like glue.
You waste my precious time with these games
and I'm so incredibly lame
that I let it happen all the same.
Nothing good can come from this...
And you won't even offer a kiss
Because really, you don't give a piss.
So why do I waste my time with this?
All I can say is the devil made me do it.

fine

shards of life
slice my heart
i wince with a sharp inhale
close my eyes
the pain resides
settles back into the dull ache
the shard falls back
into the depths, but never lost
open my eyes
remind me to breathe
smile, people are wondering
silence myself to quell their curiosity
ensuring
it's fine
i'm fine
my life is fine
my life is good
i'm doing good
how are you?

beautifully broken

where do i go?
it scares me
i can turn off my lights
stare into nothing for hours
perfectly discontent.
i am still broken
the pieces of me aren't connecting.
they lay in a short circuiting array of shatters
bright against a dark floor
illuminating a piece at a time
flashing brightness into
an empty stare
heart beats
eyes blink
no sound
quiet breath
in and out.
i sit alone
beautifully broken.

All that glitters isn't gold...

Am I strong enough to make it on my own?
Sometimes I feel so alone...
But dependency I'll never again condone.
It seems that lately
I look in the mirror and don't recognize who I see.
What has happened to me?
Who do I really want to be?
This party girl's growing old.
My dirty dishes in the corners are growing mold...
"Everything that glitters isn't gold..."
Gotta search deeper - look back inside
remember what it was I promised on the western ride.
Looking to the sky I vowed to earn His pride.
Said I was heading west for both of us,
but lately excuses are all I offer to discuss.
My life has become my central focus.
It's not supposed to be that way.
I've forgotten how to pray
and slowly again lost my way.
So again I find the unfamiliar face of a girl who's lost
and is again denying the high cost
when loved ones and God she's forgot.

Go baby go

"Go, baby, go"
she quietly states
tears fill her eyes
because she knows it's too late.
A lifetime lies
between her and me
but she wants me to realize
just what life could be.
If I choose to be wise
she knows that I'll see
that it's not only here where life lies.
And outside the comforts of friends and family
I will finally find
her and my dreams.