memory's tide

you are my ocean
my beautiful mystery
tantalizing
relief from the day
i slip into you
memories rise and fall
pulling me out
worlds away
creeping in without warning
swirling in the pools
of my cluttered heart
you offer calm waves
or crashing anger
my tide controlled
by some unseen force
old memories play
like breaking shores
standing in sand
drinking in spans of blue
constantly searching
for you

Could've

In an instant I saw my life
if I would have been your wife.
A sunlit moment of pure love
as father lifted daughter above.
Young and thing and beaming with joy
was the face of a father yet a boy,
holding tightly the girl of his dreams.
And in a moment to me it seems
that it's you tossing our daughter up high.
In his face I see your smile and wanted to cry -
felt my heart drop and skip,
felt my knees waiver and my strength slip.
"That would've been us" says a voice in my head
"But you're single and living with 2 boys instead."
I look away and turn around quick
but the lump in my throat leaves me feeling sick.
"That would've been us."
"That would've been us."
mocking; ringing in my ears.
Oh no, here come the tears.
I rush to the bathroom and look in the mirror,
but my cloudy eyes see a reflection that is clear.
There is no pity to be found here:
this was your fault, but my choice
"That could've been mine." I tell the voice.

love isn't earned

how can you say
that it's wrong to be gay?
that we cannot accept
those who are different?
i dont understand
the cruelty of man.
our narrow minds
and the excuses we find
to justify
beliefs we live by.

how can you say
that discrimination is ok?
that everyone must be
the same as you and me.
to earn our respect
from the norm you can't defect.
isn't that what love's all about
I want to scream and shout.
all these years you've preached
that with love we must outreach
to all people, all race
it's a sin to discriminate.
but that only applies
to the things seen with our eyes.
different beliefs are a different story
don't you know that lori?

so how can you say
unacceptance is ok?
we've listened and learned
that loved isn't earned.
it's to be shared with all
black, white, short, tall
day in and day out you would preach
that to everyone God's love should reach
but now i'm a grown girl
and am realizing the true world.
this faith i defend
is beginning to bend.
because i thought of you as my structure, my mold
but i'm beginning to see I must take my own road.
for I still believe in God with all my heart
but a from new perspective i must start.
i cannot look to you for answers, but find them on my own.
just another journey i must start alone.

dance

on a march night
abnormally warm
we took a ride
out to the park

sitting in silence
driving my car
you stopped at the gate
and put it in park

we walked through the playground
and out into the woods
moonlight glowing
illuminating the dark

vividly i remember
my vulnerability
being alone with you
and the silent trees, stark

i gazed at the stars
and pretended not to feel
what we both felt
until you asked me to dance

i was twirling alone
like a happy little girl
when you grabbed my hand
and we took our chance

under the new spring's moon
we sparked something new
spinning out of control
we fell in love

my one

the sunny days of early spring
can always be counted on to bring
thoughts of you, and our memories
rush through me with the gentle breeze.
i sit quietly here in the sun
letting the yellow warmth slowly come
in with your face, your hands, your touch
until deeply in inhale; it's just too much.
i know deep inside i had to let you go,
but don't you know?
that ifs will always counter the certainty
of what could have become of you and me.
because baby, don't you see?
you said what we had wasn't reality,
but if that kind of happiness isn't real,
then how the hell is love supposed to feel?
it's not some acceptance moving slowly from day to day
it's an overflowing bliss, a firecracker, a flame
a force existing between two hearts
that cannot be extinguished once it starts.
my heart for you still smolders and burns
and i don't think that i will ever learn
how to move forward and find something new
because my heart still finds you
in every moment of beauty, every sunset,
i wish you were here, and i can't forget.
you come back to me with the warmth of the sun
because you were truly my one.

Where I'm From

I’m from the middle.
Middle America,
Middle class,
Middle mind-sets, leaning back
Some call it a sink-hole, some call it home
Some call it heaven, but I simply call it my own
Tucked away in the back of my mind
Live days filled with friends and sunshine
Every summer hour spent outdoors
Until a thunderstorm blew in and rain poured
Squelching the heavy, humid heat
And bringing a scent of summer, earthy and sweet.
The rolling hills and big oak trees
Dark brown earth holding perfect rows of bright green.
Playing runaways in our woods and Olympic divers in the lake
Away from this place, wonderful memories I take.
The warmth of grandma’s meals around our full table
And the irreplaceable feeling of a family, happy and stable.
Sparkling icy branches and snow covered fields
Called for long days of sleds and snowmobiles.
Steamy summer nights would begin to cool to Autumn harvest
On a jog through chilled air, an earthy smoke would fill your chest.
And as green transitioned to rusty orange, yellow, and red
Days spent outside turned to school instead.
Crisp fall days full of class, tennis, and football
Cheering together for our team, with no clue at all
That another world existed, that wasn’t like this
One where everything wasn’t just this perfect.
My life was a playground; the American dream
And upon my decision, many thought I was crazy to leave.
For where I’m from, our culture is set
If you’re different from us, the city is your best bet.
People just don’t leave here
And any sense of change has a negative leer.
Here, people marry, make babies, and live in cookie-cutter homes
And feel that they have it all, even if it is a clone.
If you think my attitude towards home appears ambiguous, you would be right,
But so it goes as the pattern of my life.

the devil made me do it.

Something pulls me to you
I can feel the paralyzing blues
that hold me to you like glue.
You waste my precious time with these games
and I'm so incredibly lame
that I let it happen all the same.
Nothing good can come from this...
And you won't even offer a kiss
Because really, you don't give a piss.
So why do I waste my time with this?
All I can say is the devil made me do it.