Phone Call

The day starts in a cloudy gray gloom
Wandering around the apartment, I know it’ll be sunny soon.
In an effort to waste time, I write you a letter,
Knowing all along that I should know better.
The sun burns through, and I start to gather my things.
Sunblock, book, towel – I hear the phone ring.
“Do you know who this is?” asks a voice far away.
Instantly I do, but I don’t know what to say.
Yes says my heart, but no says my voice,
And I know that quickly I must make a choice.
Why are you calling me? What do I do?
Is it a good idea for me to talk to you?
It’s taken me three years to not think about you every day.
I hear you falter. “I didn’t know to call…is this ok?”
“Sure,” I hesitate, “It’s been a long enough time…”
Silently I convince myself that this is fine.
We talk like old friends about our families, work, and life,
But never once do you mention your wife.
You know, the one that for me you wouldn’t lose,
Only explaining, “I has to do what is right; not what my heart choose.”
You talk about wanting to come and see everybody,
Both of us knowing that by “everybody” you mean me.
Your sister phones and you change your speech quickly
Hearing your Polish, I’m smacked with reality.
What am I doing? This isn’t fair.
Not to me. Not to her. Love isn’t something to share.
“I just hope to always stay friends,” you explain.
But why don’t you understand that things will never be the same?
You chose a life arranged and far away from me,
And it’s not my fault that you ended up unhappy.
You say you’ll call again, but I already know
That next time it rings, straight to voicemail you’ll go.
The conversation ends with your typical “ciao”.
My eyes fill with tears. It’s cloudy again now.

losing game

i call you boo
and you call me that too
we text all day
and joke and play
you can make me smile
even though i haven't seen yours in a while
it all seems so simple and fun
but hasn't this been done?
a relationship repeat
has again become my heart's beat
by why?
because i still want to fly?
if that's true,
then why am i anchoring myself to you?
clearly you're not going anywhere
so why am i allowing myself to care?
another impossible fate;
it's all i seem to date
it's like i'm playing a game where i inevitably must choose
knowing all along that we'll both lose

the fire

may you live all the days of your life
and not waste them in front of a screen
or surrounding yourself in useless strife
there are places to go and things to be seen
but i feel like you don't understand
you seem ok with repetition and a life that's bland
i want you to see that the time that you waste, you can't get back
but you recline and let the days slip past
without even seeing them crash
yes, family and friends are invaluable,
but the opportunities you're missing are incalcuable
there's a world out there!
don't you feel the pull of the open air?
don't you feel the walls pushing in?
don't you want to fight against the pin?
spread your wings and fly away!
you know you can always come back someday.
i realize i can't control your life or desire,
but i don't know if i can live without that fire...

stars, stares, and stairs in stuttgart

we race up the stairs
sandals clicking on the tile
laughing all the while

you turn around and shush me -
"don't wake up the neighbors!"

i pretend to be silent

and then break into drunken laughter.
a dirty look is lost on a pretty girl

at the top of the stairs
break through your door
grab the wine: lighter: cigarettes.
leave the ice cream in the freezer

i wander amongst artifacts from foreign lands
and wonder who you are

more stairs, this time spiral
round and round to the roof

view the city of my ancestors from my perch
and wonder what they'd say if they could see me now
sitting high in their homeland
red wine in hand and red sunrise in view

we talk about anything to make us laugh
pretend we'll fall in love
stare at the stars, blinking with the city lights
and drink it in

something new and unexpected hovers tentatively
over a city, aged and dingy

the sun rises
and round and round we descend

slip softly into sheets of tan
between strong arms and pressing lust
drifting to sleep in the morning
of a foreign land

stuttgart

i lean on the rail
and take a deep inhale
wondering all the while
how exactly my whole body can smile.
i take a sip of my wine
and into your arms recline.
we look over the horizon
as faintly the skyline is lit by the sun.
this new adventure and foreign place
have led to comfort in a beautiful new face.
i lean into you and you into me
and i savor the joy of being free.
the city is silent: only flashing lights
and birds in their predawn flight.
i close my eyes to make is last
because i've come to know that pleasure is fast.
it's unexpected and surreal
and is gone before you've even had time to feel
exactly how amazing one moment can be.
i hope you know how often i replay that memory.
that quiet moment on top of stuttgart
will always hold a place in my heart.

doubt

you've come back
from a desolate place
to a life too full

you're thrown in the mix
with a vulnerable mind

you want to get married

am i the padding for your raw fears?
am i a quick fix for a pain you can't see?
am i a warm body after too many empty mornings?

i've spent the entire past year carefully dodging commitment
and you call me one night and throw it in my lap

were you too high?
too drunk?
too numb?

i doubt how you feel
i expect it to end one day
like a brick
out of the blue

it will land in my lap

my dichoto my

i feel connected to you
across this sky blue
and when i hear your voice
something tells me it's the right choice
you're just what i need
and we've planted a good seed
but there's the bird inside
who refuses to hide
reminding me that i've come so far
and have you really decided who you are?
it's my age old dichotomy
i find a boy who loves me for me
who loves my heart, my body, my home
but there's a pulling inside to stay on my own
i say i want to be a bird
and fly free around the world
but how can that be
when we decide to make it you and me?
what will happen to that dream?
i'm scared of what seems
to be a future back home
but i realize that i don't want to be alone
why do i feel that i'm sacrificing one life
for the other: to be your wife?
is that how it has to be
in order to have a you and me?