mom

blink
and she's the first beautiful face you see
the first soul that you touch
the first hand that you hold
the first to love you so much

your memories are filled with her
--open arms, gentle hands, familiar voice,
radiant smile, soft hair, joyful heart--
she's your number one, your person of choice

and as you grow up
she guides you through your years.
she's ever-present: your best cheerleader
and your pillar through the tears

you can't imagine life without her
but so suddenly that one-day comes,
for life ever-reliably revolves full circle.
blink
and you're the last beautiful face she sees: her son.

questions

heading home...

puppy, baby, boy, house...

3 preps, team, rules...

will i like it?

will it be what i expect?

will i feel trapped?

will he sacrifice to be with me?

everytime i go home now, there's a window at the end

an escape when i'm feeling stuck and small-towned

a dreaded separation when i'm feeling attached.

which one is it?

what happens now that it's not there?

will my love of SD, my friends here be replaced?

can they be replaced?

am i only walking away from a place i love?

or a persona i have created independently that i love?

am i giving up that independence?

or gaining a best friend and husband?

will i miss SD forever?

will rob be enough?

grow up

why do i constantly

have to be

the teacher

i teach you about girls

about their conniving ways

about their jealous betrayals

about their constant need for attention.

and after it all

i may as well have been talking to a wall

you're a smart guy

you have a good job

you have great relationships with others

you are responsible with finances and friendships

and yet you're blind

to the ways of womankind

you stare at the red, shiny apple

when you know you shouldn't

you fall into her trap

without even noticing the net

you view the situation

through your single rose colored lens

when will you wake up?

when will you realize?

when will you grow up?

hey you

don't try to figure them out

read them for what they are

you say a lot of things

i'm not sure you really mean

i need time to think this through

i've known people like you -

because you're like me

you think impulsively

but you're emotions are passionate

and what's ironic

is that those are traits desire

i need that fuel to light my fire

but sometimes two flames together

are a bit too much

and we'll eventually combust

into a pile of disastrous dust.

so forgive me

for thinking carefully.

and give me time

to figure out this tangled mind.

Leftovers

I’m a fridge full of leftovers.

There’s some rotten broccoli in the bottom drawer

And if you open it, you can be sure it’ll smell up the entire room

like a smelly broccoli boom.

There’s some fermented orange juice on the top shelf

Bulging and ready to pop its cap

At the simplest little aggravated tap.

And if you open the freezer you'll be sure to find

A nice layer of frosty frozen freezer burn

Which has ruined any flavor of food it has spurned.

These relationship leftovers are scattered in my heart

Just waiting to cause a mess;

Ruin all relationships to leave me loveless

They linger in the laziness of disposal

You want to throw them out;

to be rid of them no doubt

But each time, it’s easier just to close the door and walk away

Deal with them some other day.

But how long til someone stops risking to open the door?

Should I Go?

Should I go home?

The question follows me like a shadow.

Sometimes I feel so alone.

But then the sun hits my face

and a palm tree sways in the breeze

and for a minute, the loneliness is erased.

Should I go home?

It weighs constantly on my mind,

But I've never had such greats friends on my own.

My girls are there for me through good and bad

and back at home,

this is something I never had.

Should I go home?

When I'm there I feel so out of place

and find myself in public off in my zone.

I realize that an outsider is what I've become.

their lives and mine don't seem to fit.

Can this be changed? What can be done?

Should I go home?

Are you going to be worth the risk?

Codependence I refuse to condone,

but you might be worth the sacrifice.

Please tell me, should I go home?

Are You Ready?

To Whom It May Concern:

If I chose you, could you handle it? Sure, from there I look like a pretty good deal. Pushed away and held at arm's length you can't see the flaws. The broken heart, the anger that lies just beneath the calm surface, the glare behind the smile, the tears and silent sea that floats under my eyes. The secrets of my heart will never be exposed to you. You will never really know me because you can't. I will slip away into silence in the middle of a party. I will yell at you for things that are not your fault and never could be. I will try to control your life because it's easier than controlling my own. I will constantly complain about details that are unfixable and unimportant. I will cry at things that are sad to no one else. I will never be 100% sure on anything; including you. I will talk incessantly and make threats that will appear real for about five minutes. I will hit you and scream and then regret it immediately afterwards. I will beg for your forgiveness until I know I have it and then do something else to piss you off. I will hate you more passionately than I have ever felt.

I will love you too much. I will do everything I can to make you be everything you share with me and more. I will constantly push you to do better. I will look forward to seeing you at night and spending our weekend mornings in bed until noon. I will spend hours thinking of the perfect date and then laugh when it flops. I will laugh and make you laugh harder than you ever have. I will charm you into my way most of the time. I will win most arguments and let you know that I've won just in case you didn't realize it. I will paint our house in bright colors that you will hate and cook meals that we can't pronounce. I will leave miniature disasters for you to clean and break things that you can't fix. I will expect you to earn the money while I raise the kids that I had on a whim. I will be everything you wanted and what you can't stand. I hope you realize what you're getting yourself into.

Are you ready?