epiphany

desperate
why do i become so
desperate
start out with confident and sure
and end up doubting
afraid
to lose you
afraid
you'll find someone better
and leave me alone
nagging
my fun falls away
nagging
i question all you do
and analyze you to death
impatient
i push for something i don't even know i want
impatient
i become frustrated quickly
with your relaxed attitude and control change
i have to change
change
my thought processes and value myself
remember i was happy before you too
focus
on all things that matter, not just you
focus
on my life and others
and have faith that it will work if it should
trust
that God will take care of me
trust
that you might be honest
and if you're not, that i'll be ok without you

never me

why can i not wait
to see your face
i count down the days
like my life is one big race.
but then i think some more
and there's something that i store
why won't you claim me?
aren't i as pretty, as smart, as funny as she?
you know who i'm referring to,
the one with the hold over you
don't hide it or act like i don't know
because boy, i know exactly how it goes
is that why you won't call me girlfriend?
or say i love you when the conversation ends?
why aren't i enough?
why don't i qualify?
and why do i even take the time to wonder why?
i say it doesn't matter to your face
but there's a shadow that i can't erase.
why aren't my men proud to be with me?
they all wanna sleep with me, tell me i'm pretty, call me funny
but ultimately it's never me they're really with
it's never me in their profile pic.
are you just another one of them?
because i'm tired of being a toy for men
i say i'll be patient and give it time
for you to decide when to call me mine
but my patience is wearing thin
and i'm not very good at faking a grin
to cover up the hurt that stings
when i feel like i'm just a fling.
i know they say that actions speak louder than words aloud
but i need to hear you say that to be my boyfriend you'd be proud

fear

most people fear snakes or heights
but what i fear can't be seen by sight
it's the place most people run to when they're second
when they feel the vulnerability of the open air
what i fear most is moving home
no longer having this freedom to roam
it's a kind of claustrophobic fear
that can't be cured by stepping into the clear
if i go home, i'll again feel
that restless stir
and if i can deal with that, i'm just not sure
i like my big world and multitude of friends
and i don't know how i'll react when that ends
replaying in my head is a memory of repression
and the emptiness that follows with the depression
of watching the world around you fade into re-runs
realizing that a life on repeat is what you've become
that fear of entrapment burns in my heart
but if i don't return, we'll never start

waste

may you live all the days of your life
and not waste them in front of a screen
or surrounding yourself with useless strife
there are places to go and things to be scene
but i feel like you don't understand
you seem ok with repetition
and a life that's bland
i want you to see that the time that you waste
you can't get it back
you recline and let the days slip past
without even seeing them crash
yes, family and friends are invaluable
but the opportunities you're missing are incalculable
there's a world out there
don't you feel the draw of the open air?
don't you feel the walls pressing in?
don't you want to fight against their pin?
spread your wings and fly away?
you always know you can go back someday
i realize that i can't control your life or desire
but i don't know if i can live without that fire

Headache

I know that we talk about this over and over

What should we do?

I moved for you, do you move for me?

Can I go back home again someday?

If I can't, can you stay here for me?

When are you coming? I need to know.

I bottle it up while we're out.

Pretend I'm ok while the couples around me laugh and play.

But I want you here. And I don't understand why you don't love me enough to do that for me.

We talk about how much we've grown up since college, but maybe I think I just bury more.

The emotions are still there, but they're paved over.

Responsibility and reality has smothered them into a soulless puddle.

I want you here. I'm tired of being alone.

I push friends away because I don't want to spend all day with them.

I want to spend all day with the person I feel the most comfortable with: you.

I miss being able to turn to someone who knows what I'm feeling without me explaining it.

I miss having that support waiting for me after a long day.

I miss having someone to laugh with and lean on.

There's a piece of my heart somewhere else, and it drains me.

It's getting really hard for me to understand how that person can also be the person who's so scared to move.

So scared to make a change. 

How can the person that I love and miss and long for be a person who sometimes seems so different from me?

I don't understand how you view life so differently but yet blend so well otherwise.

How don't you see moving here and being with me as a wonderful adventure?

I love my friends, and I know you'd love them too, but you don't try.

You don't try to share this life with me; you don't want to.

Because of fear? Because of baseball? Because of friends?

But all of those seem to amount to the fact that the importance of me, of us, doesn't outweigh them.

My head throbs and I can't figure out why.

Maybe it's because I'm incessantly wishing for something I can't make come true.

Fairytales used to seem so incredible. As I grow older, I realize that dreaming about them isn't fun anymore.

Maybe it's because I spend all day trying to figure out someone I think I know.

But maybe I don't.

Because in my mind, my other half would do anything to make us whole.

mom

blink
and she's the first beautiful face you see
the first soul that you touch
the first hand that you hold
the first to love you so much

your memories are filled with her
--open arms, gentle hands, familiar voice,
radiant smile, soft hair, joyful heart--
she's your number one, your person of choice

and as you grow up
she guides you through your years.
she's ever-present: your best cheerleader
and your pillar through the tears

you can't imagine life without her
but so suddenly that one-day comes,
for life ever-reliably revolves full circle.
blink
and you're the last beautiful face she sees: her son.

questions

heading home...

puppy, baby, boy, house...

3 preps, team, rules...

will i like it?

will it be what i expect?

will i feel trapped?

will he sacrifice to be with me?

everytime i go home now, there's a window at the end

an escape when i'm feeling stuck and small-towned

a dreaded separation when i'm feeling attached.

which one is it?

what happens now that it's not there?

will my love of SD, my friends here be replaced?

can they be replaced?

am i only walking away from a place i love?

or a persona i have created independently that i love?

am i giving up that independence?

or gaining a best friend and husband?

will i miss SD forever?

will rob be enough?